Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Proposed new celebrity feud: Scarlett and Soon-Yi

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Lindsay Lohan are having a catfight, or perhaps we could call it a Bathroom Wall Scrawl Brawl. The evidence, as reported by Gakwer, is that someone says Lindsay wrote "Scarlett is a bloody cunt" on the bathroom wall in some bar. You can even see photographic evidence that, in fact, someone once wrote that on a wall-like structure someplace. (Go Gawker with the intrepid reporting! Perhaps they should have put you on that weapons of mass destruction dealie).

Defamer speculated on the reasons for this apparent animosity, and come up with two possibilities: jealousy over Jared Leto, whom both actresslets have dated in the past, and generalized "professional competition."

Which, um, LAME? Re: Jared Leto, please see the pictures in my last post. If Ugly New Jared is enough to spark a Sharpie battle, then Jen and Angelina would be justified in launching full scale nuclear war over Brad Pitt. And who wants the world to end over Brad, no matter how hot he looks in this picture? Mmmmmm, Brad.

And professional competition? Am I going to write "Wonkette is a filthy ho-bag" on bathroom walls because I'm jealous that I'm still a clock-punching lawyer while the erstwhile Article III Groupie has taken over my dream job? I mean, maybe I am, but that doesn't make it any less lame.

Anyway, I propose that we, as a society, move on from this stoopit beef and turn our attention to a new one: Scarlett vs. Soon-Yi Previn.

A bit obscure, you might say? And totally made up? Well, yes, but consider: Scarlett, age 21, is known mostly for her on-screen dalliances with much older men and her off-screen declarations about how awesome it is for older men to be with young women. (The 2003 interview in which she refered to menopausal women as being dead inside, stated that men need a "young, fertile, fruitful woman" to help them deal with aging, and professed that she "definitely believes in plastic surgery" because she doesn't want to be "an old hag" is still burned in my memory, and not in a pleasant Jared-Leto-in-the-mid-'90s way.)

Similarly, Soon-Yi is known for marrying her 1000-year-old quasi-father, Woody Allen. This shared, inexplicable proclivity for antediluvian fellas, by itself, would probably be reason enough for these two to dislike each other, because, you know, there are only so many zillion-year-old fish in the sea. But combine that with the fact that Scarlett just starred in Woody's movie, Match Point, as Le Incredibly Sexy Young Woman, and that she recently said Woody is the sexiest man in Hollywood, and you've got a juicy All About Eve-level bitchfest on your hands. Bring it on! (And let Lindsay go home and get some sleep.)

3 comments:

Toolstein said...

Re: the slugfest between L & S. Isn't it possible that they're both just, well, KIDS? I mean, I'm all in favor of a nontraditional upbringing, but you've gotta wonder what sort of stunted emotional growth those two have had so far. Of course, Angelina doesn't exactly seem NORMAL, and her problems with papa are well known, but she's almost a decade older than these two twits. At some point, don't we all realize the graffiti is just SO Degrassi Junior High (the old version, with Snake and crew, not the new version, which somehow makes Canadian junior high schools look even MORE creepy).

Toolstein's Co-Pet Owner said...

Hey T&A, re: Jared Leto, I heard that is not actually him with Lindsay Lohan, but a friend of hers. I believe Popsugar may have more info on this.

Tom said...

Toolstein,

Snake is in the new Degrassi, so quite yer bitchin'. I spent a good portion of 2003-04 watching the new Degrassi, and I am all the better for it.