Thursday, July 28, 2005
While the Fembot, the sexy killer lady robot immortalized in the Austin Powers movies, is certainly better known, its relative the Lawyerbot is in fact both more common and much more dangerous. While the Fembot kills with Guns Hidden In The Boobs, the Lawyerbot destroys all that it encounters with the much more cunning (although less visually impressive) Distaste for the Powerless Hidden in a Legal Argument. Be afraid--be very afraid!
The first hint of Roberts's mechanical origins is his appearance--the unreasonably square jaw, the strangely thick neck (all the better to hide the wiring), the unmoving hair and fixed half-smile. However, in general the most common identifying characteristics of the Lawyerbot are its resume and its unnatural interactions with normal humans. Just as Fembot appears to be a proposterously sexy woman, Lawyerbot takes the form of a proposterously high-achieving attorney.
If the meandering pathways of life have led you to those Lawyerbot Breeding Nests more commonly known as law school and D.C., you have surely encountered many of this type. They were the ones whose entire lives seemed to have been programmed to lead them to the Department of Justice and the Supreme Court (a.k.a. The Motherships), who could engage in earnest discussion of legal arcana for hours without showing signs of depression (or blinking), and who would forgo any remotely debaucherous forms of entertainment with it-sounds-like-I'm-kidding-but-I'm-really-not jokes about their future confirmation hearings.
When you live amongst these creatures, your immersion in their strange, inhuman culture can disorient you to the point that you do not realize you are surrounded by robots. You may, in fact, come to think that you are the weird one. But rest assured, dear reader, you are perfectly normal--it's the Lawyerbots who are not right in the head!
Unless, that is, you dream of standing doctrines or the dormant commerce clause. In that case, I would advise you to watch the director's cut of Bladerunner and go oil your joints.
john roberts lawyerbot
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Anyway, in case anyone has fallen behind on their advice columns, I wanted to draw your attention to a very interesting personal aside from Prudie, a.k.a. Dear Prudence, a.k.a. Margo Howard, a.k.a. the advice columnist for Slate, a.k.a. Ann Landers's daughter. (Here is evidence, in the form of her book, "A Life in Letters: Ann Landers' Letters to Her Only Child.") Dear reader, Prudie essentially says that Ann was overbearing and mean! Check it out:
Omigod! Could it be that Ann Landers, who taught this entire nation everything it knows about how to deal with drunken mothers, absentee fathers, wayward children, and ill-trained puppies was a meanie herself?
My mom is a very caring woman, but ... whenever she comes over, either to visit or to pick up my 12-year-old, she sticks her finger in my plants (checking for water), walks around my house (checking for cleanliness), etc. When I was growing up, my mom had a full-time job, but when it was time for dinner, she had a full table—meat, veggies, fruit, the ultimate dinner. Now that I am a mother, she often comments on the state of my house. I know she cares, but how do I tell her tactfully that I am independent, she raised me well, and I am OK?
Take it from someone who knows from problems—this is not even on the chart. Your mom's habit of being the housekeeping police is ingrained and really quite benign. Try to laugh it off and don't let it annoy you. This is a somewhat common mother-daughter dynamic. Prudie's own mother, for example, used to sigh that Prudie's children were raised by wolves. You are old enough to know that she did it her way, you're doing it your way, and never the twain shall meet. The way to see this situation, my dear, is with humor. Or at the very least, when she is checking for plant moisture or dust, do the mental equivalent of "la, la, la, la, la, la, la."
In fact, though, you only have to get about halfway through that thought before you realize, Of course she was. If anybody in the universe was going to be a know-it-all in her personal life, it was a woman who tells everyone else how to behave for a living. This is Exhibit # 5324378 for my rapidly-developing theory that most powerful people are fairly unpleasant to be around. Looking on the bright side, though, this theory provides a nice rationalization for my aforementioned strategy of being fairly lazy.
And on that note, I'm off to watch MTV.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
How will the nominee be revealed?
Good question. Brook thinks GWB should put the nominee under a heavy black cloth and then, right as he says his/her name, whisk the cloth off, revealing the nominee.For me, I sort of imagine him being really gushing and silly, saying “I just hope the American people are as crazy about (him/her) as I am!” and then lofting the nominee’s hand high above their heads in victory.
Prom (courtesy of Poop Platter)
* I would say "blogosphere," but really I don't feel like a member of such a place (e-place?), since something with "osphere" in its title sounds like a huge world full of varied, interdependent species, whereas I pretty much just write about TomKat, and sometimes judicial nominations, and link to Wonkette. I think it's more accurate to say T&A resides in a blog-o-diorama. So, welcome to that.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Friday, July 15, 2005
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out tonight at midnight! If you have not already made plans to brave the hoardes of excitable children to pick it up at your local bookstore and then stay up all night reading it, you should really reconsider. Here are some factors to take into account:
- The current Pope, back when he held the terrifyingly-named position Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, warned that Harry Potter was an example of "subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul before it can grow properly." Who doesn't like their seductions nice and subtle?
- When the 5th book came out in 2003, there was a huge marketing push, but it flopped because "Harry Potter mania is essentially a celebration of reading, a phenomenon created by children, not marketers." Awwwww.
- You can always see The Wedding Crashers tomorrow night.
There, I just put all of my persuasive powers into that, so I hope it worked. Happy reading!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
*You will catch me calling it Reagan National Airport over my own cold, dead body, and probably not even then, as I anticipate being a fairly quiet dead person.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
It gets worse: War of the Worlds was BETTER than Batman. Batman had a pretty awesome villain, but also a very predictable retelling of the Childhood Trauma That Made The Superhero, an uneven tone caused by small, infrequent doses of awkward humor, and (SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT) an unsatisfying resolution, as in, they seem to have forgotten to save a large portion of the innocent populace, and mentioned this omission only in passing. Also, Katie's character, a kind of Elisabeth Rohm/Angie Harmon/Jill Hennessy/Carey Lowell type, didn't have that much to do. Katie also didn't have much chemistry with Christian Bale, which wouldn't have been surprising when she was adorable Joey (sniff), since Christian Bale's a freaky man and all, but now that we know she looooooves freaky men, I kind of thought, where's the beef?
War of the Worlds, on the other hand, was almost consistently terrific--it's a surprisingly realistic portrayal of human fear and paranoia, in a universal, this-could-be-a-metaphor-for-anything kind of way. The only bad part was Tom Cruise's movie son. Yes, that's right--Tom himself was GOOD! His character is kind of an arrogant prick, which is believable, and (KINDA SPOILER ALERT) he doesn't save the day, which is a nice change.
So what have we learned from this experience? My short-lived impulse to boycott TomKat movies was just as unlikely to succeed as my attempts to do many otherwell-intentioned things (brushing my teeth after breakfast, writing thank-you cards, working for nonprofit organizations). As a wise man once said:
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
tomkat batman begins war of the worlds
Friday, July 08, 2005
Let the gnashing and wailing of teeth commence: Katie Holmes has lost her marbles. Gone idiot. Dropped her egg on the frying pan. Put on a monkey hat. Traded in her chips for a lump of poo. This interview in W (reproduced in part on Style.com) provides the chilling, incontrovertible evidence:
Do you worry that this might be a rebound romance for either of you?
"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies, her beautiful green eyes focused on nothing in particular.
Do you ever wonder whether this is just a honeymoon phase?
"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase."
Did you learn anything in your previous relationship (five years with actor Chris Klein, which came to an end when they called off their engagement this past winter) that has been a benefit to this one?
"Chris and I care about each other and we're still friends. Tom is the most incredible man in the world."
Do you feel that, with more relationship experience, you get better at resolving conflicts?
"Meeting Tom—I'm just exhilarated. He makes me laugh, we have fun, we understand each other, everything is so aligned. I feel so lucky and so—like I've been given such a gift, such a gift, you know?" She pauses. "And it's just really amazing."
Nutsorooni. And there's more:
Anyone who has seen photos from the couple's June tour of European capitals in support of their summer movies will recognize the tall, cold-eyed Jessica Rodriguez, a third wheel at all of Holmes's recent public appearances. Rodriguez, 29, was described to me as Holmes's "Scientologist chaperone" . . . After the interview, when I ask Rodriguez how long she's worked with Holmes—reports call her a longtime employee of the Church of Scientology—she waves her hand and says, "Oh, no, we're just best friends.… Well, Katie has a lot of friends." And how long have you been friends? "Oh, a while," Rodriguez answers. "I don't know." It turns out the two women were introduced only six weeks earlier—right around the time when Holmes met Cruise.Get out the straightjacket, boys and girls. Happy Friday!
gossip celebrities tomkat
But anyhoo, only after they won did it become clear to me that the $250,000 prize they won was to be split between the two of them, leaving . . . wait a second, I can do this . . . in my head, I'm not even using a calculator! . . . $125,000 each, or a little under $100,000 after taxes, probably (I totally guessed on that one.) Doesn't that seem like not so much for a reality show? I mean, I guess this is the WB, and they didn't have to survive with no food on a deserted island for a month, but still. Anyway, I started to think to myself, What would I do with that amount of money if I had won? Here's my list:
-Pay off part of student loans.
That's the whole list. I feel kind of sick to my stomach.
beauty & the geek
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Today President Bush picked Republican Fred Thompson (Law & Order, United States Senate) to "shepard through" the yet-to-be-named starlet who will be plucked from obscurity to play the Conservative Female Associate Justice role in the upcoming spinoff series Supreme Court: No More Abortion For You, Ladies.
Also today, Republican Angie Harmon, the previously unknown starlet who was plucked from obscurity to play the plucky Conservative Female Assistant District Attorney role in L&O, will join the cast of NBC's "fertility clinic drama," Inconceivable.
Coincidence or conspiracy, people? You tell me.
law & order republican angie harmon fred thompson