Baby Bennifer news: Not weird!!!!

I know what you've been thinking: "Where the hell has T&A Lady been? Surely she didn't yet again retreat to her bomb shelter after another TomKat press release convinced her that the End Times were here?"

Well, in a shocking turn of events, you're only half-right. Bunker, of course; TomKat, shockingly, no!! The only thing that Tom Cruise has gotten up to this week is getting Katie an illegal sonogram machine as an engagement present, all the better to perform frequent, medically unnecessary and potentially unhealthy scans of his alien Scientology demon spawn. Pretty standard, really.

No, the bizarre news this week involves another celebrity pairing: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, who got married earlier this year. Last week they announced the birth of their first child, a girl named Violet.

And. Um. That's it! They got married, and then had a baby. They did not give the child the name of a fruit, a 1950s physics textbook, or a cartoon superhero who moonlights as a porn star.* Jennifer did not throw Ben out of the house and look into the possibility of divorce, as Britney did shortly after giving birth. The whole operation appears to be very normal and even . . . nice. I am beside myself with shock. Please wake me when the world rights itself again.

*In case I am being annoyingly cryptic and you don't want to click, I'm referring to: Apple Martin, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin; Audio Science Clayton, the offspring of Shannyn Sossamon; and Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee and/or Moxie CrimeFighter Gillette, which, omigod, the poor children.