Monday, May 22, 2006

An open letter to capitalism

Dear Capitalism,

I really don't think that I was asking too much of you today. As per our usual arrangement, I wanted to exchange money for products and services. I wasn't even going for the funny stuff--no feathers from a dodo bird, no stylists flown from Milan to apply fox eyelashes to my lids, no reasonably priced health insurance. All I wanted was:

1. Khaki pants, and
2. Skim milk.

But you were all HAHAHA no I don't think so. I went to the Gap, which, why does it even exist if not to provide me with khaki pants? But today, the Gap was all Wouldn't you prefer an eyelet skirt, or a cable-knit halter-top sweater, or a teeny polo shirt for a dog? For reals.

So I gave that up, and moved on to the next task. Going to the store for milk is so standard that doing it makes you feel like you're in an after-school special: you half-expect a dope pusher to come slinking out of the alley, offering a joint to your wide-eyed self, and perhaps as you take the drugs you will drop the carton of milk to the ground and its splatter will represent your broken innocence. (As it is, the drug dealers don't offer me anything, nor do they stand in the alley; they find it more comfortable to lean against my car in the street.) Anyhoo, there I went to the grocery store for milk. Store #1: Only whole milk. Store #2: Closed. Store #3 (Safeway): Whole milk, 2% milk, $5 organic milk, a few skim milks, but the lines stretch back into the aisles, and as it's already 9:15 even the prospect of reading all of US Weekly and Life & Style isn't enough to make me wait 20 minutes when I could just as well eat cereal with water in the morning. Finally, the small store that always has cilantro but whose name I can never remember because it's in Spanish and I never really studied in Spanish class, even though I took it as an adult and paid good money for it, why did I do that, they have skim milk, but that seems almost like an oversight on your part, Capitalism.

Capitalism? Are you listening? Well, I certainly hope you try harder in the future, or I am taking my business elsewhere.

9 comments:

Andrea said...

My boss's kids eat their Cheerios with water, because they are lactose intolerant (too). But the very idea of it makes me feel gaggy. Until I heard of it from my boss, it had never once occurred to me to eat Cheerios with water. Aren't they better dry? What's up with that?

T&A Lady said...

I mean, it's not GOOD to eat Cheerios with water, but for breakfast I would prefer it to eating them dry, because it's less dry, basically.

Why don't your boss's kids drink lactose free milk, or take the magic pills? Not to pry.

Anonymous said...

Or, you could keep some powdered soy milk around and mix it just before using, for those awkward moments when Capitalism fails you in the future, as it will, as it always has...

IA

T&A Lady said...

I think we can all agree that cheerios with water are preferable to cheerios with powdered soy milk and water. I think Iowa/Anonymous is letting her home state's monetary interest in expanding soybean markets overpower her taste in breakfast foods!

Danica Lo said...

wait, this is really funny. and i don't know what you're talking about -- cereal with water is sooooo visually unappealing, it can't be right. why not switch to toast that day if you haven't got any milk handy? love ya. xx

Jake said...

I KNOW, right? I thought capitalism was supposed to make our lives easier. Instead it makes them harder. I'm all like, "Make up your mind, capitalism!"

Toolstein said...

Why do you hate America, T&A?

T&A Lady said...

Danica, I believe this is your first comment--welcome! And congratulations on your new book!

Jake, WORD.

Toolstein, aren't you Canadian or something? Isn't the real question here why you feel justified in sneaking into our country to steal jobs from red-blooded American lawyers?

Sita said...

You are all nasty. Cereal is nothing without milk. We are all nothing without milk. I'd rather have a glass of water for breakfast than have cereal without milk. Of course, T&A's problem wouldn't have happened in my state.