Monday, November 21, 2005

Katie Holmes: lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous

News about Katie Holmes has become so bizarre that it seems impossible to link the pieces together into any kind of coherent narrative. Thus, I will just update you on the relevant information, and allow you to form your own Rohrschact-esque impressions of it.

Katie's ex-fiance, Chris Klein, who previously seemed like the good guy who got away, turns out to be a massive asswipe, telling a magazine he's an "alpha heterosexual" who won't put up with his girlfriends gaining weight: "I'm not tolerant of that at all . . . When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no."

Tom bought Katie a $20 million jet as a wedding pressent.

Katie has decided to quit acting to stay home and raise her Cruise spawn.

Finally, Katie got kicked out of a movie theater because she was disturbing other movie-goers by holding a vibrating mechanism to her stomach, in an effort to soothe said spawn.

The all-purpose Rosemary's Baby explanation helps some, but even it fails on the jet front. This is a complicated case, Maude. I'll let you know when I manage to sort it all out.

(This very strange picture comes from here).


Tom said...

Katie Holmes is too tough to figure out, so let me take a crack at peeling off one of the layers. The revelation about Chris Klein actually says nothing about the Chris Klein who was engaged to pre-bot Katie. He is just trying to live up to Justin Timberlake's example, by playing up his alpha-male tendencies as a way of getting over a very high profile break-up. See previous entitled "America hath no sweetheart like a woman scorned"

In the alternative, the baby inside of Katie is Chris Klein's, and when he found out she'd get fat as a result of it, he kicked her to the curb and Tom Cruise saw his opportunity to revive the line: "You complete me." (Does that work out, gestation-wise? Maybe not... is there some scientific explanation for extra-long pregnancies not induced by alien insemination?)

Toolstein said...

She's dead to me. But I'd take a ride in her private jet anytime.

Anonymous said...

"She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend. I'm just helping her conceive, man!"

Somehow I felt more lebowski was needed.

Not sure how it relates to Katie or her fetus, but you can draw your own conclusions. or not.

T&A Lady said...

I'm all over a little extra Lebowski, EXCEPT when it in any way equates Crazyman Cruise with Lebowski (with their both being inseminators and all). Ewwwww!