Beaucoup vacation haiku

Toolstein commented on my two-day absence, and flattery will get you everywhere, so here I am. I am on Day 2 of my Lady of Leisure interlude, and so far it's pretty great. Let me tell you about it in haiku, shall I?

Getting up at ten
Is better than getting up
At seven, no doubt

Daytime yoga class
Do these people not have jobs?
Who knows. Must be nice.

DVD player
Died during first Mad Men show
It is a cruel world

Researching Blu-Ray
Is not what I want to do
But I am selfless

Maybe I should clean
Whoa, where'd the afternoon go?
It gets dark early

Tomorrow I will
Make dessert for a party
And watch Gossip Girl

Want to play hooky?
We could drink Bloody Marys
Let me know, I'm free!

Diet Coke breakup haiku

I went to the dentist for a second opinion after my the last guy used an alleged "tooth-density measurer" (bearing a suspicious resemblance to the buzzing mechanism you use when playing Operation) to tell me I needed seven (7!) fillings.

Well, the new guy said I need seven (7) fillings. He looked at my X-rays (whose old-school technology I trust) and said, "You drink a lot of soda. It's rotting your teeth. You have to stop."

Yes, I drink a lot of soda. OK, Mr. Confident-Sounding Dentist, I will stop. But not without lamenting my loss with haiku:

Caffeinated fizz
Perfect bagel companion
Light of my morning

O Carbonation,
Why must you be acidic
And thus rot my teeth?

First candy, now this
I will not give up TV
So don't even ask

Unsweetened iced tea,
Maybe you could fill the void
Left by Diet Coke

Who am I kidding
Nothing compares to D.C.
Adieu, sweet beverage

Final car haikus (sniff)

It's all over between me and the Geo. This bittersweet occasion calls for a buttload of haiku:

Good night, sweet Geo!
We've had good years together.
This one, not so much.

Your alternator
Died in '99, '06,
And again now. Christ.

Also, your muffler:
Always about to fall off.
What's that all about?

But I always liked
Your distinctive growl, and the
Two missing hubcaps.

Out there in the street
Without your tapes, maps, bike rack
You look so lonely.

I hope you don't mind
Being donated, not sold
Hope they don't melt you.

Car demands further haiku

Flexcar's service sucks.
That's good news for the old car
and the body shop.

Another haiku to my car

Hood flying open
On highway--pretty scary
This may be it, car

My Dog Day

For one day last week we had a dog. I came home from work and there she was on the porch, a little hot dog with big eyes and floppy ears, hiding behind a chair. She had me at "I'm a tiny, furry, scared creature who doesn't bark or drool much, and look, I will climb right up into your lap."

The next day we found her owners. I know it was a good thing--the dog's decision to pee in our office while we were at work was a testament to how poorly equipped we are to handle an animal that doesn't go in a litter box, and also our cats would have killed themselves if we'd kept her--but still, as we sat there waiting for owners to come get her, I felt like a pitiful teenaged girl waiting to give up her baby for adoption, and wondering if it was too late to flee the hospital with the kid if the adoptive parents turned out to be meanies.

They were not meanies--in fact, the woman was British, which, what is more reassuring than that?, and they gave us a bottle of champagne which, for all I know, is fancy. I'm sure Maddy (that's her name, it turns out, short for Madison) is better off with them, but still, sigh. A haiku seems in order:

Daschund Madison
My favorite living hot dog
Vist any time!

Follow-up haiku for car

Old Geo lives still
With nice new struts and hoses
Cheaper than ZipCar

Haiku to my car in the shop

'95 Geo
Is repair cost-effective?
Or is your time up?

Nerds!

I have been a fan of Nerds for a very, very long time. One of my first experiences of financial and gastronomical independence from my parents came during an Odyssey of the Mind competition in the 5th grade, when I bought approximately 5 boxes of Nerds and ate them in the space of a few hours. Ahhh, freedom! Nerds were also the first Valentine's Day gifts I got from a boy. Ahhh, young love, how you resemble candy!

ln recent years, however, my Nerds consumption has dropped precipitously. Soon after college I got several cavities, and an enterprising dental hygienist identified my slow but steady consumption of sugary candy as the likely culprit. For the sake of my health-care budget (and, admittedly, the size of my butt), I instituted a policy, to which I have been fairly good about sticking, to eat candy only when I go to the movies and during road trips. I didn't intend to cut out Nerds in particular, but due to the lack of Nerds vendors at the gas stations along many major highways and the fact that Nerds are disruptive during movies (shaking the candies out of the box makes a sound like maracas, dontcha know), that has been the effect.

Last night, however, a dear friend gave me two boxes of Nerds as a gift. And what a gift! (Gifts, of course, are another exception to my general candy moratorium). In honor of this occasion, I would like to share with you a haiku* dedicated to Nerds:

Bright sugar crystals--
What joy you bring to my mouth!
And holes to my teeth.


*Edited to add: Thanks to St. Scobie's Mock Whisky for the haiku idea.