Daily Candy DC: One of these things is lame

When I heard found out that Daily Candy, that deliciously-titled sender of emails about shopping opportunities, was starting a D.C. edition, I felt rather like I'd imagine you'd feel about a new baby: excited, proud, but anxious about what the cruel world would hold for the vulnerable little tyke, and secretly worried that the kid would turn out doofy, or dumb, or annoying. (Does this mean I'm not ready to have kids, do you think?)

In the best-case scenario, Daily Candy DC would mean that my adopted current home, the historic homeland of homeliness, would have officially arrived as a non-dorky city. In the nightmares that kept me up at night, thought, this new development would reveal the lame-o core of my poor little non-state.

Well, it started this week. And. Um. Well, here's an excerpt from one of the first DailyCandy DCs:

Big news: Dos Gringos now delivers right to The Raven’s barstools. So after you order your regular drink, call DG and ask for anything from their delicious cafe menu. Like the skinny chicken salad sandwich made with yogurt, low-fat mayo, and Granny Smith apples. The spectacular curried rice salad. And a tasty steamer made with Italian syrup and hot chocolate. Someone from Dos Gringos’ waitstaff will happily walk it across the street to you in no time.

With the same day's offering for D.C.'s much cooler big sister, I mean New York:

Introducing you to Key, a cool new clothing boutique on Grand
Street. A former artist’s studio, the sunny, spacious, laid-back shop has high ceilings, antique wallpaper, hardwood floors, and a patio in back. As for the clothes? Well, every piece is special and wearable.

OK. First, Dos Gringos has delivered to the Raven for eons, but their hippie-dippie service is so slow that you'd be better off cultivating that Granny Smith yourself in the alley, and the Raven is so dank with smoke that eating in there would probably be carcinogenic. Second, whyyyyyyy does D.C. get a sandwich delivered to a bar when New York gets a spacious, patio'd store of special, wearable clothes? What did we do to provoke this unparalleled wrath from the gods of retail and lifestyle? What do you think I could do to make the other kids stop throwing sticks at little Washington?

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