Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Derek Jeter, Man of Mystery


I understand baseball about as much as I understand gay Republicans, but usually I can spot me a hottie. However, the supposed allure of Derek Jeter alludes me. First of all, what I do know about sports is what my mama taught me: the Yankees are evil. (Please don't kill me, Amy Blair.) Also, and I realize the contradiction here, but I often confuse Jeter with that supposedly gay guy from the Mets with the terrible facial hair.

But apparently a number of people disagree with my assessment. Word on the street is Jeter's dating Jessica Biel, who according to some is the Sexiest Woman Alive. (I don't think I'd go that far, but I'd give her Top Two Hottest Jessicas, and Hottest Former Seventh Heaven cast member, for sure.)


Jessica isn't Derek's first brush with massive hotness, either. According to this, he's also dated Mariah "Crazy But Hot" Carey, Lara "Miss Universe, Need I Say More" Dutta, Jordanna "C-List, But Yale-Educated" Brewster, Vanessa "My Appeal Is Also Somewhat Mysterious" Minnillo, Jessica "Yeooooowww" Alba, and Scarlett "Even Younger And Bigger-Lipped Than You Might Think" Johansson.

My explanation: groupthink. Jeter is the Bay of Pigs and the WMDs in Iraq all rolled up in one pudgy, oval-headed package, and these women are a bunch of scared foreign policy advisors working with doctored intelligence. Somebody get an outside expert in here, stat!

5 comments:

Dr. WhoAmI said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Amy Blair said...

You have a very distorted view of pudge, my friend. His bulk is commonly attributed to this foreign substance known as "muscle" to the rest of the world. :)

tsvidogg said...

She also has a distorted sense of the Mets roster, which hasn't included any possibly gay players with poor facial hair in quite some time.

jeter's a puss and the mets rock. eat it, blair.

Andrea said...

Due to the family code of honor, I can't say anything nice about Jeter. (He was really funny as the host of SNL one time years ago).

The only reason I am writing is that I am dying to know what the blog administrator removed up there. TA, can you tell me on the side?

T&A Lady said...

Blair, our difference of opinion just goes to show how one woman's beef jerky stick is another woman's can of hot lard [or insert comparable vegetarian analogy here].

It's too bad for the Mets, losing that arguably gay guy! I was rather fond of his ambiguity (although not so much of his hideous facial hair).

Andrea, the first comment was some kind of Christian spam. I would have left it there, but it was really long so I thought it might dissuade people from scrolling down to the real comments. (Let that be a lesson to you, Christian blog spammers--keep your message short!)