Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Taking one for the team

The other day I did something completely selfless: I didn't go to work. Not at all! Not even for a little while! On a workday!

And it was all for you, dear readers! I know that there have been days when you've felt a bit peaked* and have considered staying home, but you've thought, "But what would I do all day? Won't all that free time and relaxation be hard to manage?" Thus, I decided to bravely explore the treacherous unknown terrain of the Sick Day so that I could make it safe for all of you.


And explore I did! have prepared a detailed map of the best way to handle your day at home:

7:00: Wake up. Note sore throat, swollen glands. Turn off alarm. Rejoice.

9:00: Send "staying home sick" email to work. (Eliminates conundrum re: Should you fake a sorer throat than you actually have on the phone. Not that your sickness is fake or anything! but risk that primordial instinct for exaggeration will take over cannot be ignored.)

9:05: Realize that, in preparation for impending move, you have efficiently packed all books and DVDs. Reconsider sick day, but persevere.

9:06-10:30: Sleep on couch.

10:30-11:00: Eat bagel while reading Entertainment Weekly. Learn that Rosario Dawson grew up as a squatter and ponder why Al Gore looks like a Chinese Leonard Nimoy. Deep thoughts for day: check!

11:00-12:00: Watch World Series of Pop Culture on VH1 (and cosponsored by Entertainment Weekly; did EW brand the sick day when I wasn't paying attention? Is this blog entry a copyright violation?). Find experience more enjoyable than average gameshow-viewing: World Series is low-budget in authentic way; e.g., contestants mutter snarky things about opponents under their breath and you can kind of hear them; unflattering lighting makes even pretty players look wrinkly, worried, accessible. Consider feeling like failure when you do not know many of the answers (The name of the boat in Jaws? The cost of a vowel?), but decide to take positive view that this means you do not watch too much TV, after all.

12:00-1:00: Sleep on couch.

1:00-1:20: Eat cereal while reading Entertainment Weekly. Read about drug problems of guy who plays Jay in Jay and Silent Bob; find desire to watch Clerks II increased not at all.

1:20-3:00: Flip back and forth between HGTV and "How Do I Look" marathon. Consider feeling superior to makeover victims who cling to much-too-large sweatpants and torn T-shirts like life rafts, but then wonder how self would react if large hoodie sweatshirts were taken away; reconsider superiority.

3:00-3:30: Sense impending feeling of slothfulness, self-loathing. Get off couch, do dishes, take bath.

3:30-4:30: Look at the internets (in chair, not couch). Find world depressing, but design-conscious pet decor inspiring.

4:30-5:30: Concerns re sloth can be safely abandoned after 4 pm; return to couch. Watch portions of Stepford Wives (remake); note movie is very bad, Nicole Kidman's immobile forehead makes her look like bat. Return to HGTV; find fear of homeownership increasing; switch back to VH1.

5:30-6:00: Eat Spaghettios while reading Entertainment Weekly. Make note to self to take magazine's advice by watching Weeds on DVD and visiting catsthatlooklikehitler.com.

And there you have it! Don't all those unstructured hours seem a little less scary now? Be brave, dear readers, and explore the Sick Day yourself!

*Peaked, not PEEKd, as in "How sad for Britney, she peaked at 17 and now it's all downhill," but PEEK-Ed, as in "You look a little bit peaked, T&A Girl," as my mom used to say, which literally means "you are not wearing any makeup so you look kind of pale and I am acquiescing to your obvious desire to stay home today."

6 comments:

Tom said...

Brilliant. Also, thanks for turning me on to catsthatlookslikehitler. What could be funnier than "Does he keep putting his right paw in the air while making a noise that sounds suspiciously like 'Sieg Miaow'?"

Anonymous said...

T&A Lady--You wear makeup?!?!

Drink plenty of liquids.

Love, Mom

Andrea said...

Sorry to go all grammarian on your ass, but I think it's spelled "piqued". Not tryna hate, just educate.

T&A Lady said...

But no, Grammarian Andrea! Aaccording to m-w.com, the 2nd adjective meaning of "peaked" is "being pale and wan or emaciated: sickly."

Andrea said...

I got fully thrashed by my family for my inaccuracies. Not just the hubs; my sister is apparently an avid reader as well. Sorry!!!

Anonymous said...

Rosario Dawson's squatter mother is a total nutcase. Anytime someone comes along and tries to kick her squatter butt out, she accuses them of rape. To the point where the NYPD won't even listen to her anymore. Disgusting.