The TV gods have finally answered our collective prayers that they fill the void in the trashy prime-time soap opera universe they created when they smote 90210 and Melrose Place from the earth lo those many years ago.
Working as they do in mysterious ways, they didn't do by improving season 2 of Desperate Housewives as you might have expected. Instead they turned the Olympics into a soap. Speed skating, previously a weird cross between the junior-high roller skating rink and NASCAR, has now become a juicy catfight worthy of Brenda Walsh in her prime.
Shani Davis was the first to bare a claw when he ditched the team pursuit event, thus dashing Mark Hendrick's chances at winning five gold medals, and declared he "could care less what other people say about me." Meow! When Davis won a gold medal in the 1000 meters, Hendrick was there in the stands, glaring into the distance the way an angry diva does on a daytime drama after her rival has left the room--you half-expected him to explain his plans for vengeance to the camera. Grrrrrr! Then Hendrick threw a tantrum when the press mentioned Davis, saying, "This Shani thing is really getting on my nerves right now because I'm the one with the gold medal." Hissssss!
I, for one, could not be more psyched about the Olympics' newfound bitchiness. I can barely wait for ice dancing.